So, I am a little late here re: properly expressing my love for Kris Jenner’s birthday video, but I do believe that its masterful qualities still deserve to be appreciated, even a few months after the release.
Inspired by Kween KJ, I want to list some of *my* favorite LA spots, and which Dash-founding Doll would likely be spotted there.
Ms. Kylizzle seems like the most likely patron of DTLA’s Ace Hotel. Even though the rooms kind of remind me of a chic jail with their muted color palette, bare showers and low beds, I find myself staying here often, because I love the overall ~vibe~ of the hotel.
The rooftop is probably my favorite place in LA to have a cocktail after a long day of work, for the people watching element, as well as the Snapstory-worthy views.
The staff is always super friendly and acts like you’re one of their friends who they casually meet for lunch at Crossroads… I really was impressed when multiple people who work there recognized me after months of not staying there.
Another great thing about the Ace Hotel is the food. If you’ve ever wondered what that guy who watched too much Lord of the Rings in 6th grade, (but then grew up to found a successful mobile payment app) might keep in his fridge, prepare for your most gastronomically hipster fantasies to come to life. Personally, I can pass on the locally grown fruit roll ups, artisanal mung beans and preciously esoteric craft beer brands proliferating my mini bar***, but I can NOT go a day without eating at LA Chapter, the in house restaurant.
As with basically everything in LA, everyone who works or eats here looks like a model and so it was probably extremely embarrassing that I trudged down for breakfast each morning in my signature Alec Monopoly sweatpants, stolen-from-an-ex J. Crew sweater, non brand flip flops I bought at the airport and MAC-free face.
However, I just couldn’t resist the siren call of LA Chapter’s amazing eggs and salads, even at the risk of offending others with my less than iconic early morning look. I most recommend trying the sage scrambled egg sandwich and the ricotta pancakes with berries, banana and honeycomb butter (both served all day!) They can also make you custom meals when you’re on a cleanse or have other dietary restrictions, i.e. my kale and mushroom fiesta pictured below:
Lastly, I would be remiss in not mentioning the historic and sublime former United Artists theater which is attached to the hotel. Some of Hollywood’s seminal luminaries like Charlie Chaplin and Mary Pickford founded the theater as a rebellion against the other studios who, at the time, who were lowering actor’s salaries and tightening creative control.
Nearly a full century later, it reminds a glittering jewel box of an architectural masterpiece, hidden amongst DTLA’s bodegas and bootleg cell phone kiosks. The staff will arrange a complimentary private tour if you ask in advance, or there are longer group tours which visit several of DTLA’s theatrical wonders, including the one at the Ace. My private tour was awesome and informative, and because I was staying at the hotel, they were able to fit it in around my work schedule.
After secretly reading Strong Looks Better Naked this week (instead of the respectable financial biography which I was supposed to be engrossed in), I was inspired to #sweatfortheselfie instead of #eatfortheinsta. Thus, I cheated on the Ace Hotel and stayed at the Loews Hollywood, so that I could squeeze in a lunch break hike at Runyon Canyon.
The first 2 miles of my hike were more painful than Kris Jenner’s facelift recovery (as documented on S9 of KUWTK). I am pretty sure every aspiring hipster bro/green juice mogul and/or Instagram fitness model with a waist trainer endorsement deal was ascending gazelle-like to the summit, while I tried hard to keep pace with a novela star-esque Latina girl near me who paused to take even more selfies than Kim during our simultaneous climb.
#sweatingfortheselfie was totally worth it for the #architectureporn and #natureporn pics though. And, of course, for the calories I burned, which allowed me to feel less guilty about the 2 cereal bars that I ate in tandem during a 9pm focus group.
I’m generally more of an oenophile than an ornithologist, but I’m pretty sure that I saw some regal condors fighting for airspace with the LA police helicopters circling over the canyon. There were also tons of gorgeous, playful dogs, who are allowed to run free on the trail.
Overall, it was kind of a minor ~*~spiritual experience*~*, once I stopped comparing myself to others and their ELITE FITNESS LEVELS/PHYSIQUES, and instead appreciated the natural beauty and amazing vistas of the trail. I’m definitely planning to make this my go-to workout when I’m on the West Coast (even if, unlike Rob and Khloé, I don’t have Gunnar Peterson cheering me along with each step).
Even though I’m pretty sure Kim has never heard of Vasari or Tintoretto, she is now a regular on the CONTEMPORARY ART SCENE, post-Yeezy****. When she isn’t occupied with trading custom Givenchy pieces with Marina A. or Cindy S., she may be encountered in the wilds of LACMA, getting ideas for how to furnish Saint West’s gender neutral nursery.
I can also be found at LACMA when my schedule permits, as I am perpetually attracted to a world-class art museum, much as Tyga is to a voluptuous high school student.
The most interesting exhibit from my last LACMA visit was a giant racetrack of toy cars by Chris Burden called Metropolis II. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to wait to see them whiz into action, but even stagnant, the work was powerful yet fun.
LACMA is also home to the now-permanent Chris Burden exhibit, Urban Light, which inspired me to channel my inner Selfish. It may have also served as the elegiac muse for Ye as he penned his hit, #allofthelights.
*** I’m being a little facetious here, but not really.
**** Do you want to Basel together next year? Plz.