How To Lose A [Lot of Weight] In 10+ Days

Kate-Hudson-Lose_l

Answer: Classpass.

One of my #goals is to be at the weight I was at this gala, by my birthday in a few weeks.

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gala

While I highly doubt I will lose another 15 pounds in 3.5 weeks (which is what I would need to be the above weight^^),  I am getting way closer (i.e. 25 pounds closer) than I was a few months ago.

Classpass has been a huge motivator for me over the past 10+ days, because the more classes I take, the better of an investment it is. Also, I get charged $15-20 when I don’t show up for class, which usually forces my lazy and fearful ass out and onto I-95.

Without majorly changing my diet, I’ve lost 7 pounds since I added Classpass to my workout routine in the last week and a half. Here is my Classpass ~diary~ so far.

January 3, 2016:

Force myself to sign up for Classpass while in bed on the first lazy Sunday of 2016.

My current gym closes at 5PM on weekends, which is really annoying, and not what you would expect from an $80/month gym (bye, Don Shula!). I drive to the nearest Planet Fitness to see if I could work out there, but it was $20 for a day pass which is obscene, considering the inside closely resembled a purple prison. So instead, I buy a $110/month Classpass. But now I have to use it. Great.

January 4, 2016:

I attend my first class. It is called the Vixen Workout and was designed by a former Miami Heat dancer. Most of the girls are dressed up in flannel shirts wrapped around their waist and wedge sneakers. The Classpass app suggested coming in full makeup. I wear lipstick, eyeliner and mascara, as well as my Brian Lichtenberg ~Prada/Party Animal~ tank and black leggings. We each have an assigned number and have to walk into the studio in the order of our number, so it feels kind of like an audition for a J.Lo music video. The room is dark but has lights like a club. We dance to Future, Drake, Justin Bieber and some other really good hiphop songs. This is my favorite routine (well, part of it). Even though I am one of 2 gringas in the class of 25, I have one of the biggest asses. This is an ASSet, as booty popping, “stripper clocks” and crawling on your hands and knees across the floor are integral parts of the choreography. They don’t really teach you the choreography at all, which is challenging. I pick up what I can on the spot and don’t care that I am so off that I am ruining a video which someone is trying to film for Instagram. I’m here to be a size 6 again, not be part of America’s Best Dance Crew.

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That said, after class, I am feeling ready to go hit up E11even and seduce bae. I am also covered in as much sweat as I would be after burning 800 cals on the elliptical.

January 5, 2016:

I sign up for Yin yoga at the closest studio to my house. The studio is literally down the street which is great, as my top phobia is driving. I didn’t realize that yin is meditative yoga and supposed to help restore your body. There isn’t much of a calorie burn, but it is definitely challenging. We hold the positions for 5-7 minutes each and I acutely realize how much my flexibility has decreased in the last decade or so. It’s almost more of an emotional experience than physical though. At some points I feel extremely uncomfortable with the vulnerability of the positions and have to literally force myself to stay on the mat and not run out of the room. Some people are crying in the middle of class. I feel great afterward though; I am literally glowing.

January 6, 2016:

I sign up for trampoline class, which I am very excited about. I have an all-neon outfit on lock. The class neighborhood is listed as Brickell, but when I put it into Google Maps, it is almost an hour away, near Cutler Bay. I am not in the mood to get lost in the wilds of Kendall for an hour or more at 8PM after a long AF day of work, so I accept being hit with a $15 cancellation fee. I later negotiate with Classpass to remove it, since they had listed the class in the wrong neighborhood.

Since I skipped a class, I end up walking 9 miles around Miami Lakes with Max instead.

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[Max is living in the shadow, of someone else’s ~fitness~ dream]

January 7, 2016:

While the majority of my Classpass intention is to lose weight, I also want to challenge myself by driving more. With that in mind, I elect to go to David Barton in Brickell. I read on Yelp that this DB is the “ugly stepchild” of the ones in New York and elsewhere, and I would be inclined to agree. It’s definitely not a chic former church.

The ride there on 95 after work actually isn’t too bad, as I am going against traffic. But parking is a MFing nightmare. I am supposed to get validated parking but the post-work traffic is horrific, and if I keep circling around trying to get to the parking lot where I can be validated, I’ll be late and have a no-show fee. I pull into the closest lot that I can find instead, without checking the cost.

dbselfie

[Another hidden cost: ~Smartwater~]

Once at David Barton, I work out next to a Russian model type girl who takes selfies and live video of herself the ENTIRE time. I am surprised she doesn’t have more defined deltoids since she is holding a phone above her head for hours. I wonder what the sugar daddy she’s currently Skyping thinks about me, huffing away beside her in baggy, black basics. I almost say something rude, but am trying to practice my Yin yoga principles of being patient and loving. This is definitely my least relaxing workout. It is also my most expensive, as my non-validated parking costs an additional $30.

January 8, 2016:

I work out at my normal gym in Miami Lakes. I have a far more effective elliptical session than I did at David Barton. The only people there are traditional moms, who couldn’t figure out how to livestream their workout, even if you offered them a year’s worth of free Publix groceries.

January 9, 2016:

It is Saturday, so I walk/run around Miami Lakes for a few miles but nothing strenuous. I suck at running, so it is 97% walking.

January 10, 2016:

I take Uber (~$40 roundtrip) to the Nobu Eden Roc Spa on Miami Beach. I am in a boxing class which ends up being a 2-on-1 personal training session. My coach is one of the top female boxers in the world. She is the most intimidating person I’ve met in years, and I have to fight the urge to walk out and leave. I wish I had a Xanax about 32 times. But by the end of the class, I am kind of obsessed with her.

This is the hardest workout I’ve done since high school. Non-stop pushups, Burpees (ew), jump roping, biking, weight lifting, planks, etc. This sadistic circuit continues for 30-40 minutes. Then we box and do combos for the last 20 minutes or so. Boxing is therapeutic in a different way than yoga, and I feel super accomplished afterward.

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[Not sure how I saw this at the Nobu Eden Roc Spa]

January 11, 2016:

I am so sore that I almost call out of work, but my boss is flying down from New York today and I have to meet with her about some things. I would rate my pain an 8/10. I genuinely have difficulty rolling out of bed. Everything hurts. A LOT.

I am charged a late fee of $15 for missing my Vixen Workout, but I can barely bend over to put Max’s harness on, let alone scrub the ground.

January 12, 2016:

Still so sore that I need to take ibuprofen. No working out other than walking Max for his usual 3 or 4 miles around town.

January 13, 2016:

Still sore. More like a 4/10 now, but my arms and (fl)abs hurt everytime I engage them.

January 14, 2016:

I sign up for a hot yoga class at a different local studio. Every time I have done hot yoga before, it was in a specially outfitted studio where you couldn’t visibly see the heating mechanism. This studio opted for a more low cost option and instead scattered about 12 space heaters across the studio instead. I am a little worried about me falling out of Warrior II and pulling a St. Lawrence (albeit with a far less joyful attitude).

Fortunately, I am not martyred in a way which could inspire the construction of El Escorial. Nor am I particularly killing it in this class. I don’t really push myself as hard as I could, which feels weird. But I am STILL sore from boxing and the pace of this class is a yang, vinyasa class so it’s pretty much non-stop. I manage to contort myself into a bridge but headstands and other more athletic positions are a hard no.

The end of the class is particularly nice. The teacher guides us through a relaxing savasana and sprays aromatherapy stuff on everyone. There is cut-up starfruit and water waiting in the lobby, and the owners are super friendly.

January 15, 2016:

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[Post-pulsing among pop art in Brickell]

It is a super stressful day at work so I am looking forward to Exhale Chill Yoga at the Exhale Spa. With fears of parking garages and Greenberg Traurig traffic dancing in my head, I am prompted to take Uber, so it costs me another $30 roundtrip or so. But I’m so frazzled trying to make the class after a crazy business meeting which runs late, that I instruct the driver to deliver me to the Brickell location at the EPIC hotel, instead of the South Beach one, at the Loew’s where the class is actually scheduled. Even if I take Uber again to hightail it to the SoBe class, I still won’t get there on time. So instead, I stay at the Brickell location and do a barre class and just eat the $15 no-show fee for the South Beach yoga class (which is nearly as castigating, and the same price, as my Whole Foods kale salad for dinner).

I am the only person with a BMI over like, 19, at this Brickell barre class, and there is some questionable body shaming language about cellulite and thigh size throughout the hour. I am stilllll sore from boxing, so I really give no fucks about my performance in this class nor my thigh circumference, and instead consider it a victory to just get through the class.

There are a lot of tiny movements and pulses with weights and straps and other accessories. I do a bad job at keeping my core engaged and pointing my toe and flexing my toe and pressing my stomach against the barre while not sticking my ass out and basically everything. The whole time I am thinking, this is not my exercise. I do get complimented on my outfit by a girl who is way hotter than me though, which is all that really matters.

January 16, 2016:

I am sore from barre, but sign up for a free SoulCycle class at the 1 Hotel at the latest time they offer, 6:30PM. I have to get special permission to leave work to make it. I am supposed to go with my best friend, Josh, a SoulCycle veteran. Even though I leave work a full 75 (!) minutes before the class is supposed to start, it is half monsooning in Miami plus I miss the exit to get off by Josh’s apartment. This means I am stuck on 95 and can’t get off again until Brickell, and am then trapped in Brickell traffic for another 30 minutes or so. I miss SoulCycle and the receptionist gets mad at Josh. I am disappointed, as I really needed a cool Instagram with the yellow bike, and I wanted to sweat to hiphop music.

I am signed up for another SoulCycle class next week, and will definitely have to take Uber back and forth, because driving myself there post-work is just too unpredictable.

January 17, 2016:

Despite eating challah bread French toast last night, I am down 7 pounds since Christmas.

I can’t complain at all about that. The only downside to Classpass, at least for Miami, is that there are a lot of hidden costs regarding parking (or lack thereof), as well as not being able to make a class for whatever reason (extreme soreness, traffic) and getting charged a no-show fee. Given where my office is, it is hard to get to the best classes in Brickell and Miami Beach, due to the traffic, even when I get permission to leave work early.

Collectively though, my Classpass experiences have been really positive and I can’t wait to use it in the coming weeks, as I travel to LA, NY and Chicago. Let me know if you have any class recs!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Robby says:

    +1 for the Ashlee Simpson reference

    Like

    1. cmdstyle says:

      If you want my auto, autobiography, Rorty JUST ASK ME

      Like

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