For the last year, but particularly since January, I’ve been in hot pursuit of crafting my hottest body. It isn’t even April of 2016 yet, but I am pretty sure I have worked out more in this calendar year than I did in 2014 and 2015 combined.
Compared to a year ago, I’ve lost anywhere between 30 and 35 pounds, depending on the day. As of this morning, I am only 4 pounds away from my first goal weight, the weight I was right after college.
Ideally, I would still like to lose another 20-30 pounds on top of my current weight above ^^. But, I would also be mostly okay with staying around that weight, especially since my boobs are still ~natural~ D’s and I don’t really want to be soooo Miami and get implantz to maintain that size as I lose more weight. (Nor could I ever happily be an A or B cup… It’s just not my personal brand!!!)
That said, I’ve been furiously battling to lose those last 5 pounds to get to my first goal weight. It’s been a challenge, especially because I have been traveling so much this month.
Here are some of the things I’ve attempted in the last 30 days, in an effort to push away the plateau and reach Goal #1:
1) Liquid cleansing
Let’s start with the most abusive and controversial methodology… ~Liquid cleansing~. I weighed myself in NYC last weekend and I was 8 pounds heavier than I was the week before! Most of this was due to ~female hormones~ but when I got back home on Tuesday, I was still 4 pounds heavier than my lowest weight of the year.
Thus, I decided to put myself on a liquid cleanse. What this entails for me is/are a combination of protein shakes, green juices, gallons of water/green tea, and the occasional espresso/latte. It’s obviously not a permanent method, but it does work for shedding some pounds quickly and getting back on track.
After a day and a half of liquid cleansing, I am only 1 pound higher than my lowest weight again (AKA down 3 pounds). Again, it’s not a permanent solution, but it does help after you’ve eaten 29 lbs of Domenico’s pizza+brownies from The Green Street Cafe+tzatiki from every Greek restaurant in NYC+ABC Cocina tacos, and urgently need to eliminate the chunk.
That said, you should only liquid cleanse on days when you’re doing a lighter workout, or you will pass out in class and embarrass yourself in front of your hot teacher. I would particularly NOT recommend it for days when you are…
2) Strength training
I have never been a weights girl. But in the last month or so, I’ve decided to ~kick it up~ and add strength training to my routine. This could mean anything from doing the floor at Barry’s Bootcamp, to an intense Bodytek class, or even (my least favorite) Core Fusion Extreme at exhale spa.
The downside of strength training is that I feel like I am never getting my form down right, since I have low kinetic intelligence/memory, and because there are usually a ton of people in a class, it’s hard to know if/what I am doing wrong.
Conversely, some instructors get sooo into correcting form during strength workouts, that it’s annoying and ruins the flow of my workout.
Like okay, Kelli-with-an-I, I know that I am a little off on my hammer curl to chest press to burpee execution, but at least I am trying, so please take a Xan. Xoxo.
The upside of strength training is that I am developing muscles in places that I never knew I contained muscular structure. Also, doing 10 pound weight stuff in strength classes makes the 2 pound weight segments of spinning classes now feel like a cake walk!
(I just started making myself use the 5 pound weights for spin this week, which feels like an EXCITING FITNESS MOMENT)
3) Rise Nation/IT’S THE CLIMB
Before I crown myself as Chyna Part II (or part III, depending on your view of Khloe Kardashian pre-surg), I should take a moment to humble myself and discuss Rise Nation.
Rise Nation, or IT’S THE CLIMB, as I prefer to call it while yodeling like Miley, is “the first true 30 minute full body workout”. It is also the only 30 minute class which I would’ve walked out of after 5 minutes, had it not been LA social suicide.
I became aware of this class because it is located in the same West Hollywood complex as my BaBy LuV, Cycle House. It is also featured in the cover story of this month’s print issue of Shape, because 95-pound, C-List celebrities like Ashley Greene, Ashley Tisdale, and Nina Dobrev love it.
Unfortunately, I did not see any starlets from shows on The CW or ~Freeform~ while attending my 6:45AM class. Basically everyone in my class was disturbingly fit and hot though, so they may be starring in a tween-targeting superhero drama or musical soon.
I don’t fit that particular demographic profile, but I still thought I was fit enough to try IT’S THE CLIMB, since I workout just about every day. Reader, I was wrong.
I mean, I was right, because I did survive class. But, barely.
IT’S THE CLIMB uses one piece of machinery the entire class. It’s called a Versaclimber, and it’s essentially a torture instrument posing as a ladder/elliptical-with-insane-resistance.
[My arch enemy for a half hour. Photo Credit: HERE]
You step up and down with your arms extended high above your head, moving against gravity, and are supposed to keep up with the music. Occasionally you do these dramatic breaks where you press against the machine in a very exaggerated push.
For most of the class, I slogged along, trying to take an occasional break. This was difficult to do, because I was in the front of the class, sadistically positioned to ~lead~ my far-more-lithe classmates.
How are you doing?, asked the instructor, an improbably energetic/happy homosexual man, who left his perch at the front of the room to check in on my overt struggle.
Typically, I am the type of person who embarrassing yells out YESSSS and WOOOO and GIMME MORE (*Britney voice*) during a SoulCycle class when the teacher inquires about my experience, but mid-way through this exercise series, I could barely manage a dejected hand motion.
Every minute seemed impossibly long and everything hurt. I checked the digital reader on my machine.
I had almost climbed the equivalent of 2 Chrysler Buildings before 7:15AM. This information, coupled with a change in music from hipster shit to Missy Elliot, made me get ~my shit~ back together. Even though I mostly felt like the weakest person on the planet (or at least in this corner of West Hollywood), I summoned what energy I could and tried to twerk it out for the remaining few minutes.
[Just scaled another skyscraper, it’s a mild day. Photo Credit: HERE]
YOU DID SO AMAZING!!!, my instructor said to me afterward. I tried not to roll my eyes, because it was apparent I had barely stuck it out, and was the worst one in the class.
Even though every second was torture, I am excited to go back next time I am in LA, because I can tell that this workout really does work. I was sore for a solid 2 days afterward, which is quite impressive for a 30 minute class.
After IT’S THE CLIMB in LA, I boarded a plane to New York. Following the 6 hour cross-country flight, I had mostly forgotten about my early AM struggles and was oozing with delusional self confidence and perhaps, lack of proper oxygen.
This inspired me to book a late night spin class at The Monster Cycle in SoHo, AKA my first Classpass two-a-day! I took class with Erika, and it was awesome. I even had the energy to go on a date at 10PM afterward!
Inspired by ~extreme fitness journeys~ and the disturbing readout of my bathroom scale, I also elected to try a two-a-day this week in Miami. This time, I sandwiched my workplace duties between an 8:30AM Flywheel class and then a 6:30PM Redbike class (theme: Britney!!!)
I was feeling pretty badass about starting to occasionally do two-a-day workouts, until I found out that my friend Jen sometimes does three-a-day workouts.
Then, I became aware that some people do SoulCycle marathons where they complete 5-8 classes in one day???? I have so many questions about this… How do you have this much energy, as I can barely get through a 60 minute spin class? More importantly, how do you acquire enough disposable income to spend ~$33 x 8 in one day? I felt stressed just buying another Soul 5-pack of Miami classes for $145 yesterday)
While it isn’t always practical from a time/financial standpoint, I do want to start doing two-a-days a few times per week, as I know they make a difference! For me, the key is doing something I love (spinning), so that I am motivated to find the energy to get through it.
Then again, sometimes I just want to be like, f two-a-days and burn 600-800 calories in 3 minutes.
If this sounds like you, you must check out cryotherapy!
Cryotherapy is included via Classpass in LA and Dallas (but not Miami, yet), so I have only gone once, but it was really interesting.
You enter a chamber, similar to a vertical tanning bed, in various states of nudity. You can keep your undergarments on, but I opted to go full-on Miss Playboy Aspen 1983, and wear only the mandatory fur boots and gloves. Once comfortably ensconced with your bare ass and everything else out, you are blasted with -190 to -300 degree nitrogen gas for 2-3 minutes.
It feels really cold, but not much worse than walking around Meatpacking in a leather mini and no tights in January, which is not an entirely uncommon experience for me historically.
[Kind of like this, minus the indoor setting]
The temporary nitro-freezing is supposed to icily torch hundreds of calories from your body, as well as cause a restorative effect on your organs. Lots of professional athletes have added it to their fitness rituals, along with model/socialite types.
In Miami, the cost of cryo is about $85/day, so sadly, I can’t make it a regular activity while at home.
But, check out the video of me dabbling in Dallas and interviewing my cryo-specialist on best practices mid-freeze here!