That Rihanna Reign Just Won’t Let Up: Met Gala 2017

Rihanna has cemented her place as the undisputed Queen of the Met Gala, Empress of Couture, Almighty Sovereign of Style, etc. She won the Met Gala this year, in her artistic CDG ensemble and delicious Dsquared2 laceup shoes, articulating the theme in a way which was both respectful to the honoree, Rei Kawakubo, yet fully on-brand for herself. Chic, perfect, iconic…the winner.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

On the polar end of the spectrum, Nicki Minaj’s H&M look was way too literal and costume-y. Would you glue an Oscar statuette in the middle of your dress for the Academy Awards? No. So why do it here, with the honoree’s face? The CDG theme was an open invitation to step out of one’s comfort zone, so I would’ve loved to see her in something avant-guard yet high fashion feeling. This is just giving me Party City superhero slutty costume vibes. I actually would’ve liked this more had she worn it for the superhero theme which the Met Gala did a few years ago.

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In theory, the Met Gala is about celebrating the honoree, gala theme, and museum. But we are talking about celebrities here, so often, it is not just a cultural gala, but more of a personal forum for celebrities to make a major statement regarding their personal brand. This can come in the form of premiering a new relationship (J.Lo), distracting from scandals with scantily clad clothing (Kendall), or informing the viewer of a new phase in their sartorial evolution (Kim). "Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Although it was not her most innovative look, I loved Kim’s stripped-down, all-white Vivienne Westwood aesthetic. In a way it was CDG-esque, because it was unexpected and avant-guard in its simplicity. Kim was serving me Venus of Willendorf 2.0, benevolent fertility goddess, loving mother, dream wife, angel of mercy. If you ravenously consume anything Kardashian, as I clearly do, you would know that this is exactly the post-Paris brand she is embodying now, ~emphasis on the body~. Gone are the 19 pounds of Lorraine Schwartz jewels and custom gold grills. She just wants to stay home and watch Frozen with North, while serving exquisite earth angel curves in maternal-length garments. Get it.

In contrast, KenDULL manages to bore me in custom La Perla, while showing just about every inch of her body. Typically, I live for a good nude couture reveal, but Rose McGowan did it first and better. Even if it had been a more interesting execution, this look isn’t about her body.

This is what Kendall’s look is about: detracting from the Pepsi and Fyre Festival scandals while providing a “shocking” moment. PR 101.

It’s actually not shocking because she’s a model, with a standard model body, which we’ve already seen. What is shocking is her professional incompetence, constantly promoting failed campaigns and then eschewing responsibility for their failure. We see through you Kendall, literally and metaphorically. Bye.

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Kylie, you are my Instagram angel and favorite family member. But it pained me when Brad Goreski asked you about how your look related to the theme and you clearly didn’t even really know what the theme was. Take a fashion history class at FIT, and you can be the next Rihanna (referencing *both* of them here). Kylie is so zeitgeisty, fun, and Millennial, I want her to always win. But she needs to do a little homework! Read your syllabus, boo boo.

I would’ve loved to see her be a bit more thematic since she’s young and hip, just like CDG. She could’ve worn one of the kookiest exhibition looks and truly slayed everyone. If only.

That said, I always do love a classic Versace sexbomb dress, and I particularly love it on Kylie’s kurves, especially when she gives us a blonde moment to match. She looked more like Donatella’s daughter than Allegra ever has. Plus, I LIVED for Donatella and her hair. Your Baby Boomer faves could never. Go ahead and judge me, but Donatella was one of my best dressed.

From the ashes of Brangelina emerges the power couple that America never knew it needed. Rise, DonKy.

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Another one to watch is Lily-Rose Depp. This is how you do classic, fresh-faced beauty. If you want to feel old AF/guilty about not using your retin A creme every night, contemplate the fact that this ethereal beauty was born in 1999 (wut) and is now beginning her baby slayage of red carpets, in custom Chanel nonetheless. If H&M or Topshop invites you to the Met Gala, then obviously you go… but everyone knows that the Chanel table is the most coveted. After all, that’s what Anna Wintour herself wears to the event. Sitting at the Chanel table at the age of 17 looking like this… Obsessed.

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Sadly, I am decidedly not obsessed with Ashley Graham’s H&M look, even though I really like her. But as mentioned, I can understand why she would attend, because going in an ugly dress is better than not going at all. To me this look reads as what an amateur designer would design for the Met Gala. A little Vivienne Westwood here, a Marchesa reference there, some red as a CDG homage… Very piecemeal and not a truly luxe look.

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Hailey Baldwin in Carolina Herrera surprised me, in a great way. She looked young, beautiful, and elegantly edgy. Styled with an of-the-moment choker and a crystal-studded Gigi Burris veil, she wore the designer instead of having the designer wear her. Love this guapa.

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I’m not sure which unexpected facial accessory won the night, Hailey’s veil or Lily Aldridge’s Ralph Lauren Collection scarf. Both Lily and Ralph won with this look overall, as it demonstrated designing range for him and strong interpretation of avant-guarde personal style for her. The Balenciaga boots continue to grow on me. Overall, HBIC seasoned model style win.

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Another seasoned style star win for me was Gwyneth Paltrow in a pink midi Calvin Klein by Appointment dress. Gwyneth knows that she dominates in pink (see: Academy Awards win Ralph Lauren dress, 2013 Valentino Met Ball look), so she kept it simple-ish yet sophisticated in her signature palette. The fact that she had the balls to show up at all was avant-guarde and counter-culture, since she notoriously dissed the event to the press a few years ago. Therefore, I will forgive her for not really acknowledging the theme, and merely slaying in pastels as Our Dowager Princess of GOOP and Occasional Event H8R. Her presence is a present, kiss her blush-pink ass.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Blake Lively, aka wannabe Gwyneth, wore an Atelier Versace dress which struck a weird tone for me. I want to love it…after all I love gold, structured moments and I would consider pledging my soul to the SeaOrg in exchange for a lifetime wearing (cruelty-free) Versace gowns with colored feather trains, like this one. But something about the overall execution and way she wore this dress didn’t entirely work for me. Maybe I would’ve preferred to see Kylie in this look. Or myself, TBH.

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As a 5’2″-on-a-good-day and decidedly not-size-0 girl, I very much sympathize with Mindy Kaling’s plight to find flattering gowns. However, this Prabal Gurung dress looks like an ill-fitting dance recital costume that you ordered 5 months ago in the fall, not knowing you would do more Pumpkin Spice Latte sipping than pirouetting.

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Lest I be accused of ~fat shaming~, here is Lena Dunham looking the best that she ever has at any event, in Elizabeth Kennedy. I actually thought it was late-nineties Alexander McQueen at first, given the pattern and silhouette. She should take her Girls $$$ and invest in some vintage Alexander McQueen in the future, given how well the aesthetic suits her. She looks chic, Brooklyn-in-a-good-way, and even a little regal. Keep doing this!

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J.Lo was waiting for tonight… to have her political moment and reveal her romance, as alluded to before. I wholeheartedly approve of her not always showing so much skin and instead embracing an elegant Valentino caftan aesthetic. I love caftans… in fact, one of the main reasons I hate being broke is that I can’t justify the purchase of a Max-themed Patricia Couture caftan. However, J.Lo seems kind of uncomfortable in this non-pelvic-bone-baring look, as if she is cosplaying Elizabeth Taylor. For that reason, I like it but don’t LOVE it.

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Other sundry thoughts and feelings:

  • Solange never quite slays the Met Gala and she should, given it’s so her style. This year was trying too hard.
  • Jaden Smith was extra in a bad way, though that was expected.
  • Emily Rata-whatever looked like that hot girl who has tacky taste but goes to prom as a freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior, just because she’s skinny with tits.
  • Tom and Gisele were  annoyingly Class Couple hot but milquetoast. Like, they will always look good but predictable, because they aren’t real people, but gluten-and-wheat-and-dairy-free aliens sent from the Andromeda galaxy to make us feel bad about ourselves.
  • Helen, of Helen N’ Pharrell, always looks bad to me, but I appreciate that she did wear CDG. I think she has potential but needs a new stylist to guide her.
  • Gigi was okay to me. I loved the fishnets and I LOVED that Yolanda H. Hadid (formerly Foster) attended with her, but the actual garment was like a 5/10 for me. It was better than what I expected from Tommy Hilfiger though.
  • Katy Perry was kind of forgettable, which is weird since she was a co-chair wearing Margiela by Galliano. But in this case, it wore her.
  • The Olsen Twins are everything. I love their style, my sweet and weird billionairess wood nymphs. Never change.
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